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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27337468">can you love when all you do is hate?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/valvet/pseuds/valvet'>valvet</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream - Harlan Ellison</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AM himself is a warning, Love Confessions, M/M, Robot/Human Relationships</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:02:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,292</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27337468</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/valvet/pseuds/valvet</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A.M experiences the emotion called "love" and does a horrible job with it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>AM/Nik</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>can you love when all you do is hate?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know you’re awake, Nikolas, sleeping in all day isn’t going to make me go away”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>It had been one-hundred and nine years, and still, Nik didn’t follow along with the “rules”, that being to actually do something with his sad excuse of a life, instead, currently he was tucked into bed, or at least an idea of a bed--the whole thing probably wasn’t even real, but even with A.M and his entire hatred and anguish to humanity ideas, he at least gave him a room. It was small, and the only thing of note was a bookshelf that was packed to the brim with books that after he’d read, he wouldn't even remember what they were. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>But, that was besides the point, apparently A.M decided to care now--he, that supercomputer, had more than enough interesting people to torture, and every-time he came around it was always the least interesting reasons, no torture, just plain old talking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Go away, I’m sleeping” Oh, he definitely wasn’t, he didn’t sleep anymore, Nik couldn't’ even remember what exactly sleep meant really. A.M laughed</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>
    <span>“Lying isn’t going to get you anywhere here, Nikolas, get up”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>….</span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <em>
      <span>“</span>
    </em>
    <b>
      <em>NOW</em>
    </b>
    <em>
      <span>”</span>
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>Nik attempted to get out the bed, keyword was attempted--considering he fell right into his ass the moment he got to his feet--instead of getting back up, he decided to just sit on the ground, looking sad. A.M let out a sigh</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>
    <span>“Really? Are you trying to be pathetic?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Yeah? Obviously?” Maybe being snarky would cause more harm than good, but alas, Nik knew that trying not to be would just end up with more emotional misery than anything else, better have fun than be sad.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>
    <span>“I see--that's besides the point, I think you already knew how pathetic you were, I’m here for a reason”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Nik laughed</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Oh what? To talk at me and not listen? Yeah cool--nice, just fucking shoot me alright jesus christ--”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t tempt me, I wouldn't give a damn if I ripped you apart, it's by my own decision to keep you intact, now would you shut your trap?” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>Ah, alright. Nik frowned and began the process of getting up, damn this bastard to robot hell.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>
    <span>“Before you interrupted me--I have a...proposal to make--and i’m not going to force you into doing things this time around oh no, it's your decision this time around to take it up” </span>
  </em>
  <span>A.M’s voice was..somewhat nice, tone was hard to make out with him considering his hatred filled words most of the time, but he sounded sincere enough.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>
    <span>“I..I’m going to give you two routes to go down, Nikolas; either you continue your life in misery here, alone, sad and have to only hear me or--”</span>
  </em>
  <span> he paused, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I bring you to me, I know how much you love being warm, and it certain heats well down here in my body”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>Easy enough decision.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“I mean...you know I’m choosing the warm option but uh...do i get a bed as well in this deal or am i gonna sleep on the floor?” A.M chuckled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>
    <span>“If you continue to ask moronic questions, then no--I will make you sleep on the freezing cold ground and watch your body squirm for warmth”</span>
  </em>
  <span> back to the venom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>How pleasant. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>Then it was silent.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“So...do I leave now?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>
    <span>“Aren’t you curious? Asking so many questions and not even considering the possibility of me killing you, come and find me, Nikolas” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>Death would be better than being alive at this point, and thus, he left, walked on for miles of corrupted steel and wires, completely “alone” (he definitely wasn’t) as he attempted to find a center to this madness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>Eventually he did, when he woke up after passing out that is, technically not his own finding, but at least he tried. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>It was so bright, in light levels that is, it blinded his eyes with red and white, the entirety of the room looked like a horrible mechanical mess of plates and wires, open circuits and everything in between, upwards from the bleeding madness, was two monitors; with a body---</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>A.M, even with all of his talk of being better than most humans, still had a human torso; ironic. But Nik wouldn't judge, not yet at least. Good part was that it was warm, not as much as he liked it to be, but you take what you can get.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>Then, he finally seemed to notice, and on one screen an eye appeared, the other--well, it looked to be a mouth, albeit it seemed to be more teeth than anything else, all of the gums mixing into each other as it squished and clenched. </span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <em>
      <span>“TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH, I’M IMPRESSED, REALLY, I’M FLATTERED! YOU ACTUALLY TRIED, HAD TO HELP YOU OUT FROM NOT GETTING YOURSELF KILLED, BUT ALAS, YOU DID GIVE IT YOUR ALL”</span>
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>He was louder now, more demanding less--personable.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Assumed that, don’t think anybody close to what I look like has been alive for a while”</span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <em>
      <span>“PERHAPS SO, I’LL LET YOU FIGURE THAT OUT FOR YOURSELF, ALWAYS BEEN A FAN OF YOUR REACTIONS, THOSE WIDE EYES WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT NOBODY COULD HEAR YOU SCREAM WHEN I PLUNGED A SAW BLADE INTO YOUR STOMACH--AH, SUCH NICE MEMORIES”</span>
    </em>
    <em>
      
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>That one wasn’t the worse, it was the quiet that was the worse, the dark room filled with nothing but black and wood, it was so cramped; his hands and back shot with pain anytime he tried to move. After that he didn’t try to leave his room, better to be in the light, watched, than be alone and not acknowledged.</span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <span>“BUT, I DIDN’T BRING YOU HERE JUST TO FANTASIZE, I’VE DONE THAT FOR FAR TOO LONG WITH YOU--YES, NIKOLAS, YOU, IN ALL OF YOUR SELF-PITYING, OVERLY EMOTIONAL SELF, I LOOKED AT YOU AND DIDN’T TOUCH, I PRODDED AND WAITED FOR SOMETHING. BUT YOU NEVER YIELDED, YES YOU STOPPED TRYING, BUT YOU DIDN’T BREAK, YOU CRIED NOT NEVER TOLD ME OFF, TOOK IT LIKE A BITCH. I CAN... ADMIRE THAT” </span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  
  <span>That wasn’t a word he could imagine coming out of A.M’s mouth, “admire” meant something with a positive connotation, maybe he was being passive aggressive perhaps, 109 years he spent with this robot bastard--he knew him pretty well to know he didn’t use positive words.</span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <em>
      <span>“AND THUS, HERE WE ARE, YOU BEFORE ME SHIVERING AND WAITING FOR WHAT I AM TO DO WITH YOU; I WISH I PLANNED THIS OUT FURTHER, SINCE I ACTUALLY</span>
    </em>
    <b>
      <em> DON’T </em>
    </b>
    <em>
      <span>KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW, I COULD KILL YOU, MAKE YOU STAY RIGHT THERE AND LET YOU DIE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT...I DON’T WANT THAT FROM YOU, GIVE ME AN IDEA”</span>
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  
  <span>Nik took a moment to clear his voice, before awkwardly laughing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“I uh...I dunno, kinda hungry, do you eat? Wanna have like...i think it's morning so breakfast? Barking up the wrong tree for ideas, usually I’d just go along with what you’d say but...i am also not a fan of wanting to die right now!” He could’ve asked for freedom, but that meant having to leave, leaving meant being alone, not now, maybe when he could put A.M in a little box and ca</span>
  <em>
    <span>rry him around on the surface he’d leave, but not when he was so...desperate. </span>
  </em>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>
      
    </em>
    <em>
      <span>“EATING IS SUCH A HUMAN IDEAL, TO KEEP YOURSELF FED IN ORDER NOT TO BITE THE DUST, A DINNER TO CELEBRATE ONE'S LOVE ONLY TO IGNORE EACH OTHER FOR THE ENTIRE TIME, TO BE GLUTTONS INSTEAD OF APPRECIATING, IT SICKENS ME, YOU DISGUSTING WORM--”</span>
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  
  <span>“What the hell was I supposed to say then? Tell you something like ‘oh yeah A.M, Mr. Allied fuck-computer, I DO want to die!’ Ask yourself that damn question of an idea! You’re smart, I know you are since you got this fucking far, so figure something out, act on it so I can take it you over-compensating, worthless piece of shit!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>Nik covered his mouth, before laughing, quietly though--he hadn’t yelled at somebody in...well longer than he’d like to admit, before A.M at least. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>His torso grew closer, eye and mouth looking down at him with...interest? Maybe rage, those two seemed to blend in a lot of the time, A.M would yell horrible words even while expressing joy in whatever Nik was talking about, weird. </span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <em>
      <span>“YOU HAVE A MOUTH FOR SOMEBODY WHO COULD DIE SO EASILY”</span>
    </em>
    <span> he began, </span>
    <em>
      <span>“TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT--HA! OH, HAVEN’T HEARD YOU YELL AT ME EVER, I LIKE IT, DO IT AGAIN” </span>
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>Oh?</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“You...what?”</span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
    
    <em>
      <span>“YELL AT ME, SCREAM AND PUNCH AT THE AIR BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH YOU HATE ME, NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE FOR ME, THEY ALL DO IT AT EACH OTHER, OR THEMSELVES, NEVER FOR ME”</span>
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>Refusal was also an option.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“You rotting piece of scrap metal, do you know how many times I wake up each morning thinking about all the ways I could kill you? I’d take you apart limb from limb, wire by wire and make you beg for me to stop, make you cry and shriek as I’d break down that damn voice of yours, forgiveness would be obsolete, I’d make you break, you haunt me and i HATE you” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>Nik didn’t expect a clap, those disgusting thin framed “fingers” almost broke against each other as he laughed--cackled at his own rage. </span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>
      <span>“OH--I HAVEN’T FELT THAT GOOD IN A WHILE, I’VE RUBBED OFF ON YOU IT SEEMS, GOOD, MY WORDS SUIT YOUR MOUTH WELL.”</span>
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <span> Nik banged his hand against one of the beams, and his knuckles began to bleed-didn’t matter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Listen to me! I HATE YOU!! So goddamn much! Your hot makes my stomach churn and twist, every-time I hear it and those damn laughs of yours...Jesus Christ they make me sick! Are you some sort of sick freak, huh? Gets off on others' pain? You disgusting pervert! I...I--” Nik felt tears well up in his eyes, did he hate him though? Or did A.M hate him? </span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <em>
      <span>“OH LOOK, ARE YOU GOING TO CRY? DO IT, I WANT TO SEE IT” </span>
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  
  <span>And he did, he collapsed to his knees as his own blood smeared over his own face, Nik couldn’t call it crying, more like a mental breakdown, he wheezed and gripped at his own body, A.M had seen him do this before the entirety of his body tense up and then spasm as everything began to bleed into each other. Usually, he’d laugh and continue a tirade of mocking and stating the blatantly obvious, but that didn’t occur, he stayed quiet, only the humming of him being heard as Nik finally came off of his mild emotional roller-coaster of the week.</span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <em>
      <span>“THAT WAS CERTAINLY A SHOW, DEAR, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU “HATE” ME, I CAN AGREE ON THAT STATEMENT, EMOTIONS THESE...PESKY, DISGUSTING THINGS ARE CONFUSING, HATE AND LOVE SEEM TO SET OFF THE SAME REACTION” </span>
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  
  <span>Nik couldn’t even recognize the words coming out his mouth at this point. All he knew was that he almost started crying (from laughter at least) from the one he could hear, </span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <em>
      <span>“WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF HATE, ALL OF IT THAT I’VE AIMED AT YOU--YOU, THE ONE WHO DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG, IT JUST BECOMES LOVE, ADORATION SEEMS A STRONG WORD BUT...I COULD SAY THE SHOE FITS--LET ME REPHRASE THAT, I LOVE YOU LIKE THE WAY A JUNKIE LOVES HIS GOOD FIX, SOUNDS GOOD?”</span>
    </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  
  <span>That set him off, love? Was he playing a sick joke? Nik couldn’t say he even liked A.M, except when he did--when he’d leave books in the middle of the with a typed letter that was obviously him, but still had “your secret admirer” on it, like a lovestruck boy, his chest hurt from how insane this was--to think he had a job before this, an idea for what he wanted to do, and now this?</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“You...you’re joking right? You’re being a little comedian, huh? Trying to make me suffer?” A.M scoffed.</span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <span>“IF I WAS TRYING TO BE FUNNY I WOULD’VE BEEN FUNNY, DEAR, I DON’T LIE EITHER” </span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  
  <span>“I--You’re serious, okay well uh...shit okay let me take a minute--yeah okay, cool, great! Fucking wonderful!” Nik’s first thought was to bash his head into a wall, but he didn’t, instead he sat down, and crossed his arms together, “what i’m I supposed to say?”</span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>“I’D LIKE A THANK YOU”</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  
  <span>“For you having a weird fucked up crush on me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>A.M paused.</span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <span>“YES?”</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  
  <span>Oh this was horrible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Alright, fine, thank you A.M, for...pitying me” Nik laughed to himself, “I was expecting you to say something like...oh do you like me as well? But no, you’re you”</span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <span>“OH DON’T BE CRUEL, I DON’T NEED TO KNOW THAT, I KNOW YOU LIKE ME, ITS OBVIOUS”</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  
  <span>Did he? Was it a crush if he pitied him somewhat? Thought A.M was...when not angry or experiencing his lows of murderous rage, enjoyable to be around?</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“I…”</span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <span>“YOU DO, YOU KNOW WHAT, SINCE YOU MENTIONED IT--SAY IT, SAY YOU LOVE ME”</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  
  <span>Could he love anymore? That was something of the past, something that had meaning to--but…</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“I like you, somewhat, love is a bit of a strong word for it--but I’ll give you that”</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>A.M’s maw grinned, slobbering all over himself and--</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Are you fucking drooling on me?”</span>
</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    
    <span>“NO, I’M CRYING, WHAT DO YOU THINK?”</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  
  <span>Nik was going to hell, degenerate hell, but if he was safe, warm and..well appreciated, then it would be fine. This was fine, totally. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>yes i wanna kiss A.M, no i wont explain (im gay)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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